superb night

Here I am. just got home from Kartini's belated mini birthday party. somehow I envy her family togetherness, which led to a successful celebration. her 2 brothers took role as photographers. she herself is a photographer-wannabe. I could feel how much her parents love her. or maybe not. it should be more than I thought it was. well it's not that I have an unhappy family or my parents don't love me as much as they do. But I wish my kinship with my brother was as good as hers. My brother is sometimes too ignorant about me and seems like living in his games. It's not totally his fault, I admit I'm not any good sister either. I should learn more from those whose relationship with their siblings is 'really like family'. you know what I mean? He/she can treat their siblings like friends (well more than that). I feel so down whenever listening to the giggles and stories told out from my 2 girl cousins who are biological sisters. I will never be a part of them anyway. I mean would you prefer telling things to cousin than to sister? another thing, I wish I and my parents could talk more, especially with my father. I and he are like enemies living in the same house. or maybe it was me who started the 'war'. But he is never mad to me when I show my disrespect to him. never. though I feel so guilty, I just can't understand why I behave like that. I would like to change, but I feel so annoyed when he starts the conversation. I will shout when talking to him. and right at that moment, I wanna slap myself. But still I continue talking that way. Do you guys have the same problem with me or it's just me? :'(

I guess I should spend more time on my family and friends than on studying. What's the point of studying hard and pursuing your dream when you have few friends and can't get the i-am-a-part-of-a-family feeling? I have had enough of those.

somebody said we look like twins (?)